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The Real Truth About Submission in Marriage: Strategic Partnership vs. Toxic Control

By Lee Watts

Sep 01, 2025

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church ... Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."

- Ephesians 5:22-25

The word "submission" drops into a room like a bomb. Women bristle. Men either nod approvingly or shift uncomfortably. Churches split down the middle. Dating relationships end over it. Marriages crumble because of it. Yet this single biblical concept continues to shape conversations about Christian marriage, often with disastrous results.

Meet Lee and Ron Rogers, the dynamic duo behind the Love Lately podcast who refuse to dance around hard topics. Lee Rogers brings years of relationship coaching experience and a fresh perspective on modern marriage dynamics. Her husband, Ron, offers insights shaped by spiritual principles and real-world application. Together, they've built a marriage that actually works, and they're not afraid to share what they've learned, even when it challenges conventional wisdom.

In their latest episode, the Rogers tackle submission head-on, stripping away the misconceptions and religious baggage to reveal what this biblical principle actually means in practice. Their conversation isn't just theoretical but grounded in their own marriage journey and the countless couples they've observed. What they share will fundamentally change how you think about marriage roles, trust, and the delicate balance between independence and partnership.

Submission Isn't Surrender - It's Strategic Partnership  

The biggest lie about submission is that it requires women to become doormats. Lee Rogers destroys this myth by reframing submission as "coming up under" rather than giving up. She describes it as establishing necessary order in the household, similar to organizational structures we see everywhere in workplaces and government. This perspective shifts submission away from weakness to a strategic choice that benefits everyone involved.

Ron takes this further by explaining submission as a spiritual principle rooted in trust and mutual benefit. When someone submits, they're stepping out of their own way with the expectation that this surrender will actually serve them better than trying to control everything themselves. This creates an oxymoron that goes against natural thinking - winning through surrender, gaining through giving up control.

The key difference between healthy submission and toxic control lies in the motivation and outcome. True submission happens when someone trusts that the person they're submitting to genuinely has their best interests at heart. It's not about losing your voice or your identity but about choosing to trust someone else's judgment while maintaining your own thoughts and feelings about situations.

Trust Must Be Earned, Not Demanded  

Here's where most marriage advice gets it wrong: submission cannot be demanded or expected simply because someone holds the title of "husband." Ron makes this crystal clear by stating that submission must be earned through consistent behavior, wise decision-making, and demonstrated care for the other person's well-being. Men who expect automatic submission without proving their trustworthiness are setting up their marriages for failure.

The earning process happens through track record and consistency. Women need to see evidence that their partner makes sound decisions, handles responsibilities well, and genuinely prioritizes their welfare. This isn't about perfection—it's about patterns of behavior that build confidence over time. When these patterns exist, submission becomes a natural response rather than a forced compliance.

For couples still in the dating phase, this means paying attention to red flags early. If you find yourself thinking you could never submit to someone you're dating, that's valuable information about the relationship's long-term potential. The Rogers emphasize that submission is a fundamental part of marriage, so compatibility in this area matters just as much as shared values or physical attraction.

What Happens When Submission Feels Impossible  

Real marriages face real problems. Not every husband proves trustworthy. Not every wife feels safe submitting. The Rogers acknowledge that some women find themselves married to men whose judgment they cannot trust - men who make poor financial decisions, lack spiritual leadership, or consistently put their own interests first.

In these situations, the path forward requires honest communication about expectations and boundaries. Couples need to have clear conversations about what each person needs to feel secure in the relationship. This might involve professional counseling, spiritual guidance, or serious decision-making about the future of the marriage.

The influence factor also comes into play here. Lee discusses ways women possess natural abilities to influence their husbands through femininity, intuition, and timing. This isn't about manipulation but about understanding your partner well enough to know when and where to share your perspective effectively. Sometimes the best submission involves knowing when to speak up and when to remain quiet.

The Mutual Benefits of Biblical Marriage Roles  

When submission works correctly, everyone wins. Ron describes the way receiving willing submission affects his motivation to be an even better leader and partner. It creates a positive cycle where good leadership inspires trust, which leads to submission, which encourages better leadership. This dynamic energizes both partners rather than depleting them.

Key Benefits of Healthy Submission:

  • Creates clear household structure and decision-making processes

  • Reduces conflict by establishing final authority when couples disagree

  • Allows women to experience the "covering" and security they desire

  • Motivates men to step up their leadership and protective instincts

  • Builds deeper intimacy through vulnerability and trust

  • Establishes spiritual order that aligns with biblical principles

Lee describes submission as a release that allows her to enjoy what many call the "soft life." Instead of carrying the weight of every decision and responsibility, she can trust her husband's covering and focus her energy elsewhere. This doesn't make her weak or dependent but makes her strategic about where she invests her emotional and mental resources.

The spiritual aspect cannot be ignored either. Both partners describe submission as going against the flesh and natural human tendencies. It requires something deeper than mental agreement—it needs an inner desire and spiritual foundation that transcends normal thinking patterns. This is why submission works best in marriages where both partners share similar spiritual values and commitments.

Your Next Steps Toward Better Marriage Dynamics  

The Rogers' insights challenge both traditional and progressive views of marriage. They show us that submission isn't about outdated gender roles or oppressive control but about creating marriages that actually function well for both partners. Whether you're single, dating, or married, these principles can transform the way you approach relationships.

If you're currently dating someone you can't imagine submitting to, take that seriously. Don't assume marriage will magically change your feelings or their character. If you're married and struggling with submission, start with conversations about expectations and consider getting professional help to work through the deeper issues.

Ready to dive deeper into these concepts? Listen to the full Love Lately podcast episode where Lee and Ron Rogers share even more practical wisdom about making marriage work. Subscribe to their podcast on your favorite platform and join the conversation about building relationships that thrive rather than just survive. Your marriage or future marriage deserves the kind of intentional work that creates lasting love and partnership.

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